Poetry Magazines - The best collection of poetry magazines online - Simon Armitage

     Have you ever wondered about death?  What it would be like?  What you would find?  What you would see?  What you would feel?  Well, I can tell you.  Because I know.  I’ve been there.  And come back.

     It all happened so quickly.  So very quickly.  Like a flash of lightning.  A bolt from the blue.  There was pain.  A hell of a lot of pain, if you’ll pardon the expression.  And then there was the fear.  The cold, numbing fear.

     I was driving along the motorway when the accident happened.  I was in the outside lane, overtaking a lorry when my nearside front tyre blew out.  Of course, I tried to do everything by the book.  I didn’t panic.  Not at first, anyway.  I braked gently and although the steering wheel was twisting and turning in my hands like a bucking bronco, I fought like hell (sorry, there’s that word again) to stop the car from going into an uncontrollable skid.  However, the odds aren’t exactly stacked in your favour when you’re travelling at over ninety miles an hour.  I needed just that little bit of extra luck and I didn’t get it.

    Once the skid started, there was no stopping it.  The car ploughed into the central barrier and then somersaulted clean over it.  The noise was deafening.  Screeching tyres.  Tearing metal.  Shattering glass.  The vehicle landed upside down and I was trapped in my seat.  My legs were smashed to a pulp, the steering wheel was jammed tightly against my chest and I could feel rivulets of blood coursing down my cheeks.  And then the fire started.

     Of course, some people tried to help me.  Brave people.  People who were unselfish enough to risk their own lives.  Crazy people.  One young man actually tried to lift me out of the wreckage with his bare hands.  Not that he had any chance of succeeding.  My position was hopeless.

     And then there were the others.  The ones who just wanted to be there.  As silent witnesses to my fate.  Anxious to be in at the kill.  To enjoy the spectacle.  To watch me die.  In agony.

     It has been said that when you are about to die, your whole life flashes past in front of you.  Well, that certainly isn’t true.  At least, nothing like that happened to me.  All I could think about was the pain.  It was terrible.  Really terrible.  I still don’t know how I stood it.  Except that I had no choice.  No choice at all.

     I do know that when the end finally came, I was screaming.  I was surrounded by a sea of flame and my poor flesh was quite literally melting.  Yes, melting!  And yet I hadn’t done anything to deserve a death like that.  I’d lived a fairly normal, fairly average kind of life.  Quite low-key in fact, although I must admit I’d done my fair share of boozing and staying out late and, as far as the ladies were concerned, playing the field.  By my book, all minor offences against whatever religion you happen to believe in.

     Not that religion counts for very much.  Because, if you remember, I now know the truth.  The whole truth.  I know what it’s all about.

     At the exact moment of death, everything stopped.  There was no more pain.  No more noise.  No more anything!  I felt at peace, totally at peace.  I couldn’t see anything, I couldn’t feel anything, I couldn’t touch anything.  And yet I was aware.  I could still think.  And remember.  Everything.  Which didn’t make a lot of sense because I knew that my brain cells had been destroyed by the fire.

     I was still trying to puzzle out what had happened when I suddenly saw a pinprick of light far above me.  It was then that I sensed that I was being borne upwards through some kind of tunnel or narrow passageway.  I knew that the sides were there even though I couldn’t see them or touch them.

     The tiny circle of light gradually grew bigger and brighter.  And then to my astonishment, I suddenly heard voices.  Muted voices.  Murmurings.  Whisperings.  All around me.  It was eerie.  Uncanny.  To say the least!

     I hadn’t got a body, that much was clear to me and yet I was still moving upwards and slowly spinning round.  I should have been frightened, terrified even and yet I wasn’t.  I knew that someone or something was controlling me.  Protecting me.  Looking after me. Guarding me.  But who?  Or what exactly?

     The voices were all around me now.  And I could hear what they were saying.  They were giving me encouragement.  Urging me on.  Telling me not to give up.  As if I was in any position to control my movements.

     The light grew and grew in intensity and suddenly I burst right through it.  There was no warning.  It just happened.  The voices stopped immediately.  It was as if I’d entered a new world or passed clean through another dimension.

     I was hovering in a sea of shimmering light.  A light that was pulsating all around me.  It was constantly changing shape.  Caressing me.  Supporting me.  I was suddenly aware of other thoughts, other memories.  Thoughts and memories that could only mean one thing.  I had lived before!  In other countries, in other times.  I could go back, way way back.  Right back to the very beginning of time.  I felt exhilarated.  Wave upon wave of ecstasy swept over me as I realised that death wasn’t the end of everything, after all.  It was only a part of the circle.  The everlasting circle of life.

     And yet?

     And yet?

     Something was beginning to bother me.  To nag at whatever passed as my consciousness.  To nibble away at my new-found confidence and peace of mind.  Some of my previous memories didn’t make sense.  Not at first, anyway.

     I could remember long dark caverns.  Caverns that twisted and turned in all directions.  This way and that.  With no beginnings and no ends.  You see, incredible though it may seem, I’d actually lived in them.  Once upon a time.  A long, long time ago.  And, most amazing of all, instead of walking along them, I’d slid.  Slid after my prey, my victims.

     And then there were the ravines.  Ravines that made the Grand Canyon look like a mere dent in the landscape.  I could remember flying over them.  However, I didn’t know how and I didn’t know when.  It was all rather hazy.  As if the whole world was shrouded in a perpetual mist.  I do remember that no matter how low I stooped, I could never see the bottom.  Not ever.  And my eyesight was perfect then.  I could pinpoint tiny objects more than a mile below me.

     My strange recollections of ravines were quickly replaced by images of trees.  Huge, grotesque trees.  Trees that were so tall, it would have taken a mere mortal more than a lifetime to climb just one of them.  And then there was the fruit.  Although you might find this hard to believe, I could remember apples and pears that were bigger than hot air balloons.  And when it rained, the whole ground shook and I could have drowned in a single raindrop.  I could remember other creatures too.  Giant creatures that crawled and slithered between the trees.  Creatures that this time were stalking me.

     You can imagine how confused I felt.  Hovering in some nameless place without any apparent form or shape and surrounded by a pulsating mass of flickering light.  I had no idea where I was or where I was going.  If indeed, I was travelling anywhere at all.  I was alone with my thoughts and memories.  Some of which I could easily relate to.  Others I just couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried.

     I don’t know how long I remained in that position.  Suspended in space.  Alone with my strange memories.  Time no longer had any meaning.  It could have been hours. Or days.  Or even years.  I had no way of knowing.  I had no body to tell me when I was hungry or thirsty or sleepy.  There was nothing I could recognise.  Nothing at all.  I was trapped in a warm, ocean-like cocoon of nothingness.

     And yet, oddly enough, I felt no fear.  No sense of regret or despair.  I knew, deep in my soul, that I was being prepared.  For the next great adventure.  My rebirth!

     And when it eventually came, I was ready.  The light faded and I began to fall.  Slowly at first but gathering momentum all the time.  The darker it got, the faster I fell.  And then everything stopped again.  It was pitch black, blacker than the darkest night, and I was no longer falling.  Before I had time to gather what remained of my thoughts and memories, I was suddenly pushed out into the world again.  I had ears and I could hear.  I had a mouth and I could taste.  I had a nose and I could smell.  I had ....

     But why am I telling you all this?  What’s the point?  You haven’t taken in a single word I’ve said.  Still, it’s not your fault.  You’re much too young to understand, even if you could speak my language.  In any case, who ever heard of a pet conversing with its owner?  I just hope I get a better break the next time around, at my next stopping-off point on the circle of life.  You see, contrary to popular belief, it’s not much fun being cooped up all day.  In a tiny cage.  With my brothers and sisters.  And all the other mice.