Poetry Magazines - The best collection of poetry magazines online - Simon Armitage

KNOW YOUR PERSONALITY

qu 95 In general are you pretty sure of yourself?
ans Yes ... err ... I mean No

qu 61 Have you ever felt as if you are possessed by evil spirits?
ans only when I levitate and speak in six different languages at once

qu 176 Do you catch yourself pretending to be a better person than
you actually are?
ans No I don’t have to

qu 195 Are you often troubled by noises in your ears?
ans Pardon?

NEO MARXIST SLOGANS

1. Robots of the world unite

ADVICE TO THE MENTALLY ILL
ESPECIALLY THE DEPRESSED

Now now
come along
come along
lifes not that bad
cheer up for Gods sake
you make me sick
people like you

HOW TO LIVE A FULL
AND REWARDING LIFE
ON PAPER.

Its a well known fact
that time is hard to kill
unless you’re going to be shot
next saturday
how much you like the inside of
your cell
if only you were going to be shot
the week alter next
so If you want to live life to the full
the simple answer is to be shot
each weekend
but there are no simple answers
this is only an academic solution
which academics can try
for themselves

OH GOD

the tedium the tedium the tedium the tedium
the tedium the tedium the tedium the tedium
the tedium the tedium the td - oops of Life.

ENTITLED
THE NICE VIEW OF THE WORLD

Look
Things really aren’t nice
I’m fed up with the nice view of the world
I feel like impaling myself on a railing
To show how horrible things are I am

HOW TO BE HAPPY

Its just as well most of us
enjoy being miserable
otherwise everything would be pointless
cheer up
the worlds bound to end soon.

APPLICAYTION
TO JOIN MENSA

Dear Mensa

I wud lik to joyn
and am quite cleva.

THINGS TO DO WITH
SCRAPPED CRUISE MISSILES

1. Take them back to the shop

2. Sell them off cheap to Iran

3. Let the women at Greenham live in them

4. Dump them in the North Sea.

LAYMANS GUIDE TO INSTALLING
GAS CENTRAL HEATING

1. take the gas boiler out of the cardboard box and nail it to the wall.

2. Join up the pipes.

HOW TO SURVIVE A
NUCLEAR WINTER Govt information

Wrap up well
for about 25 years
and carry a loaded shotgun
at all times

HOW TO GIVE YOURSELF
INDIGESTION

Place a Haggis in a saucepan of water
and boil for an hour or so
by then it will have exploded,
scoop the remnants out of the water
and place on a tray in the oven until dry
Now eat the part cooked Haggis
and wait,
after answering a knock on the door
agree to drive a friend who sings
country and western to a venue
thirty miles away
now drink three or four pints of lager
and sit and listen to him
surrounded a coach party of
pensioners from the midlands
till about half past eleven

STANDING OUTSIDE
WOOLWORTHS ON
THE 12th OF JANUARY

The man with the accordion
and the cardboard box
marked Rowntrees fruit pastilles
plays a selection of
traditional scottish tunes to the
traditionally scottish passers by
who pass by
He has made about thirty pence.

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