Edwin Morgan
Rules For Dwarf Throwing
1. If a dwarf is thrown through a glass window or glass door,
he must wear gloves and a suitable mask.
2. If a dwarf is thrown through a burning hoop, extinguishers
must be provided.
3. If a dwarf is thrown down a well, the organizers must
ensure that the bottom of the well is dry, and is
covered by leaves to a depth of three inches.
4. If a dwarf is to be thrown across the path of an oncoming
train, the thrower must previously satisfy the organizers
that he bears no personal malice to the throwee.
5. If a dwarf is thrown into a pond or river, he must wear a
wetsuit and need not be tightly bound.
6. If dwarfs are thrown at night, they may be painted with
phosphorescent paint, so that the point of impact may be
clearly established.
7. If a dwarf refuses to be bound in the usual way before
throwing, he may be put in a straightjacket of the
requisite size.
8. If a dwarf makes any sound whatsoever, either in flight or
at the moment of impact, the throw will be disqualified.
9. If a jockey impersonates a dwarf, and wins a competition
because his light weight allows him to be thrown farthest,
he will be liable to a fine of £1000 or three years
imprisonment.
10. It is strictly forbidden, in dwarf-throwing literature and
publicity, to refer to dwarfs as persons of restricted
growth or ‘small people’.
Page(s) 38
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