Poetry Magazines - The best collection of poetry magazines online - Simon Armitage

This is not to suppose you desire
by hobby or profession
to swim in shark infested water.

But if there is an island, water
and sharks, real or metaphorical
and for some reason swimming

is the only way to the island
these lessons from Mr Cousteau
may help you to survive.

Rule 1. Assume unidentified
fish are sharks

Do you imagine a shark
will sail towards you wearing
a gaudy neon sign

‘I AM A SHARK’?
Masters of disguise
they simulate playful dolphins

even fur seals, tucking
their fins down
hiding their wolf teeth.

Innocent tiny fish
may become sharks
as they grow.

Rule 2. Do not bleed

Apparently imperative.
Difficult.

Wounds have a nasty habit of bleeding
and non-bleeding wounds are unhealthy
being breeding grounds
for festering sores, septicaemia, decay.

But blood brings more sharks –
is to be discouraged
if possible prevented
at least delayed.

Rule 3. Counter aggression
with a sharp bob on the nose

Noses are sensitive objects
and Mr Cousteau asserts
that a sharp blow on the nose
counters the exploratory
action which precedes an attack.

Never having courage
enough to bop a real shark
on the nose – I worry that
the nose is uncannily close
to the mouth.

Rule 4. Disorganise an
organised attack

This is my favourite option.
Distraction or internal dissension
leads sharks to forget why
they approached.

At best it could cause
random lashing of tails
an exhausting activity
or attack of each other.

Rule 5. Build a bridge
or hire a boat

Not being so charmed by water
as Mr Cousteau, I added this rule.
Providing that sharks cannot
climb the bridge or sink the boat

we could cross without getting wet.
The only problem is to divert
the sharks and to ensure there
are no python or pterodactyls.