Jonathan Treitel
The Nearest-Run Thing
Bonaparte’s face was smeared utterly
with the finest surgical-quality plaster;
a straw up each nostril enabled
minimal inhalation. Meanwhile the Emperor
was dreaming of the conquest of Russia.
He need have no last-minute jitters
because Madame Tussaud (a prison-pal
of Josephine’s for a fortnight in the Terror)
whose notoriously adroit thumbs
were pressing the gunk in and around
the ear-hollows, was known to shout
Vive Ia Révolutiona! at every opportunity.
Afterwards, she tipped hot wax
into the life-mask; moulded it; and clothed
the mock-Napoleon in a cast-off
tricorne hat, uniform, and all the trimmings.
She added ten centimetres to the imperial
leg-height, to be on the safe side.
When Waterloo had come and gone
down in history, Madame Tussaud,
passing herself off as an exile Royalist,
put the dummy on display near King’s Cross,
London, at half a crown per head, or
sixpence for the working classes.
It was the making of her. Even Wellington,
murmuring, ‘It was the nearest-run thing
you ever saw in your life,’ would daily
crouch face to face with his old
immobilised enemy, and stare fixedly
for hours into its glass eyes.
For a shilling extra, you could bring
your own needle, and stick it (Napoleon,
then, was perishing on St. Helena)
into whichever vulnerable spot
took your fancy - until somebody,
perhaps by mistake, jabbed the Duke.
Page(s) 49
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