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Pete Halliwell

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Letter from a Branch of the François Sagat Fan Club

All of us, mon cher François, have grown a beard, we think (a cedilla of hair)
           like yours. And Bob (because he’s bald) is contemplating a zigzag
           scalp tattoo
but isn’t sure he’s quite as brave as you when it comes to receiving pain;
           and perhaps his wife will not approve.

What we’d really like to learn is how to maintain a body like that,
particularly now we’re at an age when there’s a natural propensity to fat.

We’ve tried your pose – the one where you’re swaddled in outsize pants
           and there’s just a hint of what lies beneath (the rest’s quite
           blatant.)
The effect, you see, when we have a go, is more ‘sumo’ and bits can be
           seen to dangle. We need your slant.

We’ve checked, without success,
your You Tube skit on Britney for evidence that steroids might be the key
           to your impressive pecs (and were quite prepared to take those
           steps.)

But your skin is perfect and it’s obvious we need the truth,
the secret from the horse’s mouth.

Or should we say bouche du cheval? You see we’re all busy learning
French so that, should you decide to come for a visit and address the
           group, we might be more in touch with the real thing.

 

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