David Gilbert
Hand
I doubt the hand that reaches down to wrest
the razor from my wrist. Slow
the white van before its impact. Turn
paracetamol too bitter, whisky foul. Force
the slip between bottle and lip. Provide the man
who saw me climb the water tower one November evening.
Remember Eddie could not swim.
Steve was not caught before he hung.
Leslie did not mean to choke and I once joked
with a man who had a gun. The nurses laughed, pinned
me down. Friends turned away to spare me what they had to say.
The corridors were endless white.
There was no season but the winter. The final
hope - sleep - would not arrive. My mind shut, my eyes
died. I did not notice flowers or spiders. Why did you not let me
give up then? The worst thought was that it would not end. How can
this much hurt not kill? How can
we fall and fall, never land, and carry on
beating these heavy sodden wings? Legs and arms
that I cannot feel, still keep on crawling. I am untouched
by love, and doubt the loving hand that reaches down to touch me.
the razor from my wrist. Slow
the white van before its impact. Turn
paracetamol too bitter, whisky foul. Force
the slip between bottle and lip. Provide the man
who saw me climb the water tower one November evening.
Remember Eddie could not swim.
Steve was not caught before he hung.
Leslie did not mean to choke and I once joked
with a man who had a gun. The nurses laughed, pinned
me down. Friends turned away to spare me what they had to say.
The corridors were endless white.
There was no season but the winter. The final
hope - sleep - would not arrive. My mind shut, my eyes
died. I did not notice flowers or spiders. Why did you not let me
give up then? The worst thought was that it would not end. How can
this much hurt not kill? How can
we fall and fall, never land, and carry on
beating these heavy sodden wings? Legs and arms
that I cannot feel, still keep on crawling. I am untouched
by love, and doubt the loving hand that reaches down to touch me.
David Gilbert lives in London and works in the health service. He is this year's winner of the Barnet Open Poetry Competition.
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