Poetry Magazines - The best collection of poetry magazines online - Simon Armitage

With Pen Pusher’s resident mystic, the One-Eyed Cat:

CAPRICORN:
You’re unusually relaxed this winter, Capricorn. What’s happened to you? Either you’ve finally calmed down or you’re hitting the prescription catnip again… Either way, the rest of your household is relieved.

AQUARIUS:
Sly, sly, Aquarius, you’re holding on to a juicy secret. Enjoy it while you can though, as another mog is on the scent. Luck finds you peeing on a copy of OK! Magazine.

PISCES:
You are always disappointed that others can’t match your exacting standards, Pisces, but if you slow down for a moment you’ll remember that they’re having more fun than you are, so cast aside your alphabetising tasks and get involved. A repeat of Countryfile could bring about a personal epiphany.

ARIES:
Things may not be going quite to plan, Aries, but that’s still no reason to spit at small dogs, attack inanimate objects, and half-eat manky pigeons. If you keep on in this way, eventually someone’s going to confront you, and you do hate all that emotional rubbish.

TAURUS:
Your unbridled enthusiasm is starting to upset some of the sourpusses on your block, Taurus. An old rival is in a particularly belligerent mood, so watch out. I’d recommend sleeping with one eye open… but you do that already, don’t you? (I know I do.)

GEMINI:
Hiss hiss, Gemini. Everyone’s excessively bored of your long drawn-out explanations about why you dislike this time of the year… Just sit in the corner and sulk if you can’t think of anything interesting to say. Opportunity arrives with a festive game of Boggle™.

CANCER:
This is your favourite time of the year, Cancer – central heating on full power, excess food falling to the floor all over the shop, and visiting relatives bumping up your attention quota like nobody’s business. Just lose the smug grin and the winter season’s yours for the taking.

LEO:
You know that secret place you go when the family are packing to go away on holiday and you don’t fancy the trip…? You might feel like diving in there many times over the winter months, dear Leo, but try and keep your head above the floorboards… you’re just being overdramatic.

VIRGO:
Preening yourself for up to seventeen hours a day really is playing havoc with your social life, Virgo. Make an effort to accept a few of the invitations that are pouring in, and you’ll feel better. A trip to the vets reunites you with an old flame.

LIBRA:
Struggling to raise a purr at the moment, Libra? It seems everyone wants to make life difficult for you. Keep your claws sharp but don’t lose your temper and it will all turn out for the best. A sugar mouse could raise a moral issue in the new year.

SCORPIO:
He who purrs last has only just seen the joke, Scorpio, and you’re going to be purring a very long time after the rest if you don’t snap out of this self-reflexive mood you’re in. Luck finds you digging up some of your old poo.

SAGITTARIUS:
If the pitter-patter of tiny feet is haunting your dreams, dear Sagittarius, don’t fret. It’s not another litter on the way… you’ve got mice. Can’t you smell them? Or have you been hitting the Lucky Strikes too heavily again?