Poetry Magazines - The best collection of poetry magazines online - Simon Armitage

NO
POEM
HERE
THANK YOU

UNWANTED GIFTS

keeping a Terrapin
keeping a Cat
Pets and the Senior Citizen

Keeping a Guinea Pig
keeping a Dog
pets and the Senior Citizen

pets and your Mother
keeping a Senior Citizen.

NOTICE

ABERNETHY HOME
FOR THE RETIRED
AND VERY WEALTHY
WITH NO NEAR RELATIVES

FREE LEGAL ADVICE

FREE TRANSPORT
FROM INTENSIVE CARE
ON PETERS BIKE

also bonemeal available.

AWAKE

Making this double bed
is either:

(a) one of the longest acts of foreplay
ever recorded
or
(b) A complete waste of time

but then I can always dismantle it
or go back to sleep.

PEDESTRIANS

1. I have filled my socks with coal
although one foot is burning It keeps me moving

2. I am cheerful but basically crippled

3. I keep my hands in my pockets and
my wife guides me through life with her tongue

4. My arms tell me to spend less than £23.80
on tinned food in Tesos

5. I am bald and my stomach carries me   forward
and backward at the same time

DOUBLE GLAZING

Look at the advantages:

It keeps the sound out
or the noise in
depending on whether
you're a couple or a family

secondary glazing
should generally be adequate
for the newly married

For families with more than
one child under five
triple glazing is recommended
mainly by neighbours

In the case of Marital Breakdown
alternative action may be necessary
such as bricking up.

PIE

Well
I nearly made myself sick
cause I'm on my own
Yes
I bought a Fray Bentos
Steak and kidney pie
- I think it was meant for two
but that's another problem of mine
Yes
I'd rather be sick
than leave something

How much of this is conditioning?
Is that why marriages split ?

but you can't keep blaming your parents
cause you make yourself sick

and now the thought of Fray Bentos
the thought of Fray Bentos
is enough.

THE SHOWER

Standing under the shower
(It works)

It was one of my wifes two ideas

so I built this thing
in plywood
to save money
but spent seventy quid
on tiles for it
I cursed her for that
at the time

then she got the idea to leave
I cursed her for that
at the time

but things never turn out
like you'd think.

YORKIE

only lorry drivers
eat Yorkies
unless
they've got
cow's milk allergy
then they eat
special chocolate
bought from
Health Food shops
by their wives

who smile at them.

BLUE PETER

I saw it on Blue Peter

The Do-it-yourself
Skeleton Kit

included is:
One axe
two butcher knives
and
a parent pickling bath.

WATCHING THE T.T.

Over there
some Irishmen sit
between a gorse bush
and a pair of legs
in a T-shirt

one
older
sits
shirt sleeves rolled
hands folded
with a hat to keep the sun off

another
bare-backed
sits in white shorts
red as a fucking lobster.

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