Paul Groves
Advice for lonely hearts
Never date a doctor. Behind the winning smiles
they’ll wonder if you’re blocked or suffering from piles.
The meal may be romantic, the restaurant softly lit,
the waiters far from frantic, the talk suffused with wit
but soon a diagnosis will form. You’ll start to think
that multiple sclerosis is imminent. The drink
will make your heart beat faster. Their mode of calm detection
could soon demand a plaster or wholesale disinfection.
From Tavistock to Turin they’ll sum you up precisely
and then suggest, ‘A urine sample would do nicely.’
Or else they’ll witter gaily: ‘You don’t need a bonesetter.
A couple of these daily – you’ll soon be feeling better.’
From the threat of cancer to night-time indigestion
they’ll always know the answer before you ask the question.
Never date a doctor. Try, instead, a baker,
botanist or proctor, priest or undertaker.
they’ll wonder if you’re blocked or suffering from piles.
The meal may be romantic, the restaurant softly lit,
the waiters far from frantic, the talk suffused with wit
but soon a diagnosis will form. You’ll start to think
that multiple sclerosis is imminent. The drink
will make your heart beat faster. Their mode of calm detection
could soon demand a plaster or wholesale disinfection.
From Tavistock to Turin they’ll sum you up precisely
and then suggest, ‘A urine sample would do nicely.’
Or else they’ll witter gaily: ‘You don’t need a bonesetter.
A couple of these daily – you’ll soon be feeling better.’
From the threat of cancer to night-time indigestion
they’ll always know the answer before you ask the question.
Never date a doctor. Try, instead, a baker,
botanist or proctor, priest or undertaker.
Page(s) 15
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