Poetry Magazines - The best collection of poetry magazines online - Simon Armitage

With Pen Pusher’s resident mystic, the One-Eyed Cat

CAPRICORN:
You may be convinced that the grass is greener on the other side, but I’ve seen it and it’s rather yellow, so don’t fret. Luck finds you in a cat basket.

AQUARIUS:
You’ve got a chip on your shoulder that’s bigger than your paw. But there’s really no need and besides your paws are quite small, so let an old resentment go and all will be well.

PISCES:
I smell something fishy and that can only be a good thing. But others seem to take a different view. Try to be less sly, and you’ll become even more popular. Good fortune finds you by an unseasonably hot radiator.

ARIES:
Stop being so disruptive to those around you, Aries. When someone opens their laptop, there’s no need to go and drape yourself over it. Let others pursue their interests unhindered and concentrate on getting more sleep.

TAURUS:
Easy tiger! Your blood is up and you’ve got your sights set on a very pretty kitty. But I’m telling you she’s just a tease, and I may only have one eye but– [Keep it general, please – Ed.]

GEMINI:
You’re what’s known in the biz as a two-face: furry, charming and cute by day; feral, violent and molesting by night. Can’t you just stay in a bit more?

CANCER:
Affection is always nice, but this is getting ridiculous, Cancer. Everyone likes a stroke, but stop mincing around. It’s irritating the others.

LEO:
The lion of the zodiac? Pah! You’re quaking in your furry boots. Don’t worry, though. By early autumn you’ll be able to reeelax.

VIRGO:
Everyone knows you’re a purrfectionist, but you also have a habit of letting others down and treating them rather pawly. Play your cards right, though, and you can have your tin of Whiskas™ and eat it too.

LIBRA:
Walking along fences, perching on window ledges, why, I’ve even seen you walking the tightrope on the washing-line. Yes, we all know you’ve got good balance, but remember Libra, sometimes it’s more fun falling off.

SCORPIO:
My, my, someone looks like the cat that got the cream. Unfortunately, dear Scorpio, it isn’t you. We all know you’re a bad loser, but try and take that angry scowl off your face. It’s most unbecoming.

SAGITTARIUS:
As we all know, it’s a cat’s life, but luckily for you Sagittarius, the milk saucer is always half full at the moment. Pass a bit of joie de vivre on to the sour-faced old moggies round here, and we’ll all have reason to thank you.