David Gaffney
Do The Voice
It began with the door to the balaclava cupboard. Its two note see-saw creak, in descending thirds, sounded exactly like the uh huh catch phrase of the disturbed woman in Little Britain. I heard this every time I changed my balaclava, which was three times a week, and once I'd noticed it, my house became a polyphony of comedy quips. The moaning floorboard on the stair said suit you sir, and the bolts on the door went what a plonker, Rodney. Smothering the cacophony with piano accordion practice didn't work either. Underneath the tunes, I could still hear the wind rubbing a branch against the guttering, going what are the scores, George Dawes and water curling through the radiator murmuring you wouldn't let it lie. The voices insinuated themselves into my sleep, to be born out into the day with me.
A jittery council man confirmed the infestation, but explained that eradication was expensive. Instead, he adjusted the noises to make them sound like songs.
The Balaclava cupboard door plays Hey Jude, the low deep-stretched hum of the boiler is O Superman, and things are a little better. But I sometimes miss the fridge clucking stupid boy and the dish washer hissing you're my wife now. The phrases had a live, fleshy quality. Now, a post-modern chill permeates everything. I'm even thinking of changing my balaclava for a Trilby.
Page(s) 41-42
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