Helen Burke
Tortoises
Please stop putting tortoises through my letterbox.
I do not wish to buy anything from your range of
Tortoise hair colourants — interesting as
The range is.
Nor will I be joining Terry the tortoise at meditation class
Next Tuesday week.
I am not wanting to buy any frozen tortoises or
Take delivery of kebab specials of same.
Frankly — and I pin my colours to the mast here —
I am neutral vis-à-vis the tortoise situation.
While I may have indicated my willingness to vote for
Your in-house tortoise candidate at the last election —
Since then I have had some of the straw and guana
Removed from my eyes.
While I am now in favour of the eco-tortoise candidate,
I no longer wish to provide board and lodgings
For his fellow party-snorers.
Mainly because it would take at least three days
To get them all to their rooms.
I fear on your part, you are taking the lettuce
Out of what was a genuine offer.
So, please. Cease with the ringing of the doorbell
And leaving two of them on the doorstep.
It lacks dignity for all concerned.
Be warned. I am the proud owner of a terrapin
Who answers to Tarquin.
Sir, he is armed.
I do not wish to buy anything from your range of
Tortoise hair colourants — interesting as
The range is.
Nor will I be joining Terry the tortoise at meditation class
Next Tuesday week.
I am not wanting to buy any frozen tortoises or
Take delivery of kebab specials of same.
Frankly — and I pin my colours to the mast here —
I am neutral vis-à-vis the tortoise situation.
While I may have indicated my willingness to vote for
Your in-house tortoise candidate at the last election —
Since then I have had some of the straw and guana
Removed from my eyes.
While I am now in favour of the eco-tortoise candidate,
I no longer wish to provide board and lodgings
For his fellow party-snorers.
Mainly because it would take at least three days
To get them all to their rooms.
I fear on your part, you are taking the lettuce
Out of what was a genuine offer.
So, please. Cease with the ringing of the doorbell
And leaving two of them on the doorstep.
It lacks dignity for all concerned.
Be warned. I am the proud owner of a terrapin
Who answers to Tarquin.
Sir, he is armed.
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