Richard Gordon-Freeman
My Mime
After Raymond Devos
They say a mime can do anything. It isn’t true.
A mime can’t do everything. For example,
A mime can’t mime someone with nothing to do,
Or rather, someone who is not doing anything,
Which is what my producer asked me to do.
He told me to think about what I had to do,
Which meant I either had to think about doing nothing,
Or I didn’t have to think about doing anything.
So I went on stage and began doing nothing.
Or began not doing anything. I’m not sure
Which it was. Paradoxically, the more I did nothing
The more the audience asked each other
What I was doing. They could see I wasn’t doing anything,
But wanted to see me do something. The critics,
On the other hand, could see I was doing nothing,
And that I was doing it extremely well.
They didn’t expect more, and I couldn’t have done less.
Eventually, to please the audience, I made a gesture
Of hopelessness. The producer immediately
Called for the curtain, and started berating me;
Said he’d paid me not to do anything, and I’d done something,
Which showed I wasn’t even good at doing nothing.
Next day the critics didn’t write anything,
And since I hadn’t done anything, that made us quits.
A mime can’t do everything. For example,
A mime can’t mime someone with nothing to do,
Or rather, someone who is not doing anything,
Which is what my producer asked me to do.
He told me to think about what I had to do,
Which meant I either had to think about doing nothing,
Or I didn’t have to think about doing anything.
So I went on stage and began doing nothing.
Or began not doing anything. I’m not sure
Which it was. Paradoxically, the more I did nothing
The more the audience asked each other
What I was doing. They could see I wasn’t doing anything,
But wanted to see me do something. The critics,
On the other hand, could see I was doing nothing,
And that I was doing it extremely well.
They didn’t expect more, and I couldn’t have done less.
Eventually, to please the audience, I made a gesture
Of hopelessness. The producer immediately
Called for the curtain, and started berating me;
Said he’d paid me not to do anything, and I’d done something,
Which showed I wasn’t even good at doing nothing.
Next day the critics didn’t write anything,
And since I hadn’t done anything, that made us quits.
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