Poetry Magazines - The best collection of poetry magazines online - Simon Armitage

And introducing Pen Pusher’s new resident mystic, the One-Eyed Cat:

CAPRICORN:
Communication will be more difficult than usual this month. Expect misunderstandings at work. If no one will listen, try being sick on the floor.

AQUARIUS:
Watch as much Harry Hill’s TV Burp and A Bit of Fry and Laurie as possible, and all will be well. Luck lurks in a packet of IAMS.

PISCES:
Ignore an important call or pretend you haven’t heard someone. If it’s that serious they’ll pick you up and carry you.

ARIES:
You know how much you like showing off? Well keep doing it. If your current friends are getting tired of you, seek new company. Next door, perhaps?

TAURUS:
Try something new this month, or treat yourself to some high living. You deserve it. I recommend the savoury salmon or the assorted fish chunks in jelly.

GEMINI:
You’re full of energy at the moment and in charge, but beware of small children. An old friend will get in touch, but they’re only after one thing, pussy. [Am I reading this correctly? – Ed].

CANCER:
Too many cooks spoil the broth, but don’t take your frustrations out on your surroundings. A scratching post will relieve your tension for a while, but don’t let it degenerate: ruining another sofa will only lead to more bad feeling.

LEO:
Set aside time for some much-needed relaxation. I recommend lying in front of a fire, obsessive-compulsive cleaning of yourself, and pooing in the garden.

VIRGO:
Look out for the ginger tom at number 50. He has his eye on you and no mistake. [Is this right? – Ed]

LIBRA:
Stop being so reasonable and organised. It’s time you had a little fun, or at least a break. Relax and have some me-ow time.

SCORPIO:
You will be the centre of attention this month, but you won’t know why; you’ll like it but you’re sure it won’t last – try being sick in a shoe.

SAGITTARIUS:
Those around you may be planning a trip abroad. Pretend you suspect nothing, but get ready to disappear as soon as you see the first suitcase.