Shopping for Shoes at Forty
We came to the place that sold hope in the shape
of footwear. Lights, hard and white as the shelving,
shone on rows of burnished leather. The air was close
and redolent of lemons, or the chemicals
used to make polish. There were mirrors everywhere.
My daughter (a bud of a girl), was drawn
to a basket of sandals in crude colours.
‘Try these,’ she said, waving size sevens
in brothel red. They had perilous heels, sequinned
straps and could be worn with a bikini. I played
the ugly sister and forced them over my woollen tights.
Attempting to walk, I found my toes hurt,
the buckles strained. I was unbalanced and clutched
at a line of tartan slippers for support. Silver sequins
broke loose and fell to the carpet like precious
snowflakes. ‘Don’t you look beautiful?’ she said.
And I wondered if she could see me, if she knew
who I was, or understood my place in the world.
We left with a pair of plain black courts.
Next morning, I faced the mirror and noticed dark
bruises like smudges underneath my eyes. I put on a plain
dress of truffle coloured linen. Dissatisfied, I took
an unused gift – a scarf of beaded pale mimosa
shot through with gold – and wound it round my waist,
securing it with a safety pin from the first aid box.
All day I felt encircled (and strengthened) by the past.
Walking up the High Street, on an errand, I saw
that the yellow had bled into the stuff of my dress,
like sunlight on dark water, and the sight of it
was miraculous. My feet broke free of the sensible
new shoes and I began to race across the pavement,
the scarf billowing out behind me, laughing – like a girl
I once knew – arms open, eager for the future to arrive.
Page(s) 52
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