Thirteen Thoughts About Toasters
i a four-slice toaster in gleaming chrome
adorns the new kitchen
fashionably old-fashioned with its rounded edges
an alien craft, just landed
‘Captain, the hash browns are ready to disembark’
ii when we split up
we argued over the toaster
-You have it
- No, you
- But I want you to have it
- I don’t want your horrid toaster. Take the nasty
toaster away.
iii they are transforming devices
using the mysterious transmuting, transfiguring,
transmogrifying forces
of electricity
bread goes in and
toast comes out
a modern kitchen miracle
iv with hotel buffet breakfast toasters
you place your selected slice of bread on to an
endlessly rotating conveyor belt
that carries it past rows of
glowing orange wires
and deposits it, nicely browned,
into the catching tray
(certain varieties of bread require two trips)
v you could leave a piece of bread out in the sun all
day and even
though the sun is ten million times hotter than a
toaster, your bread would
not be toasted by evening, only stale.
vi in the electronic age
toasters learned to fly
vii once the owners had left for work,
the toaster lost no time in propositioning the kitchen
whiz:
We could make beautiful muesli together
viii 3 things you shouldn’t do with toasters:
never use a knife to retrieve your stuck toast from
a switched-on toaster, even if your toast is on fire
do not use your toaster in the bath
do not drop your toaster from your 11th storey
apartment window on to the head of a passer-by
ix I ask my slice of bread a lot of questions
(I grill it)
until it says ‘Cheers’
(it toasts)
x let’s hear it for the old-style toasters
one side at a time
opening and closing to check on brownness
- much more exciting
so much greater the risk of fire
so much more control over colour and crispness
xi To catch a toaster, you should disguise yourself as a
packet of crumpets and wait quietly on top of the fridge.
When the toaster sees you, it will approach cautiously,
edging towards you with its plug waving in the air. Don’t
move. The instant it starts sniffing at your cellophane
wrapping, you must whip out the butterfly net you
concealed behind the espresso machine and bring it down
firmly over the toaster in one swoop.
xii toasters are ‘smart’ these days
but toast’s still thick
xiii daybreak and
all is silent
save for the soft
flap flap of toasters
flying through windows
Page(s) 24-26
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