1. Before
Covent Garden at dusk, still stuffed with Christmas shoppers driven by the contradictions of their lists. Beside the towering, tinselled tree three Chinese buskers, improbable in square spectacles and suits, splash yearning notes up off the black cobbles into a moon-lit lake of sky. And as the ripples die away, the dark-needled tree itself begins to sing; light throated starlings deep in the branches declare themselves like chiming candles.
2.
Years ago, the candles set our Christmas tree ablaze. Father, home from the War, threw my brother’s brand new jacket round the flames, hurled the smoking bundle like a slung comet out through the window.
The brittle cold of other Christmas nights was lit by stars like great magnolia snagged high in the silent elms against whose rough bark you first announced the hot smoothness of your lips. Of lips.
And there was still the softer flame of treble voices singing of a child, and all the perpetual possibilities of a child.
The holy days of Christmas straining like Mary towards an understanding.
3.
For half the world these are the shortest days. Far out, beyond all suburbs, at the untidy margins of frozen fields, old angels with tawdry wings heap up the ambiguous present at the feet of other trees. Bare winter trunks whisper in charcoal down a white page; the rustle of tiny crystals - ice falling out of a great sky.
Freezing fog has bandaged light. The mid-morning sun looms up like an immense headlamp. Hoar frost; the seasons’ litter beaded in crystal. It glitters briefly, crunches underfoot, and is submerged as light moves off, and dark flows in behind.
4.
This Christmas is my fathers ninety-first. In the house at the edge of the village, his windowsills are littered with the bejewelled husks of last summer’s tortoiseshells. By day, the low winter sun taps weakly on the dusty window panes. By night, he drifts alone down dark canals.
5.
The ditch between church and river brims limpid with the winters earlier rains; and somewhere in my head a salmon, pink juiced, is swimming towards our silver-candled feast. I clasp it, glitter wrapped - and put down a corpse. Oh child oh child oh child - swaddled in slack skin, sag-eyed, and led like all the innocents to be parcelled tight in hessian, a bundle for a charnel pit too packed, too parched for any tear to stay the butterflies long since brushed past the eye socket to escape the skull.
6.
Outside, dark hedgerows wait to crucify the dying light. Only the bottle green holly, bloodpricked, ignites the slack season, still and null; the last colour drained with the drifted leaves. No light to warm soft flesh, to candle youth. No saving wing. Only the necessary wound of dark.
And as the whole earth slows, it is a moment for a child, and for the hardy cattle, kneeling at midnight in the fields like humble kings. Absence rises like an unsuspected mist; the missing haunt all loss; ice dusts the silence of the end of years And only my enduring angel, only a seeing heart, can tell how small it is, and how immense - this gift of winter.
7. After
All this in darkness - misty fields, dim thorns, a tentative thrush singing of hard and bitter agony, a bloody birth and a thin cry.
But the boomerang sun is circling back, to knap this dull earth to brilliant shards, sharp edge another year of dawns. There will be easts rimmed egg shell blue; a gold line seeping pink, upswelling harsher, more gold, and bursting through to dazzle cold ground with leaves, a promise for the hurt of thorns. And there will be a child’s believing fingers round the driven nails; thrush to answer thrush. |