No 26 - 2005
From "correspondence with nobody"
Those lines that I before have writ do lie
In memoriam sheila blonstein (nee hyams) 10.ii.1930-5..xii.1988
wardrobed in england. love organized greedily. interests conflict here
(I dont think Anne quite realises that I am really
still recuperating from my hysterectomy and can’t do all I did
last year - she seems to think the more and more
I do the more I will be able to do).
a little spoilt, irony contented here. strained cautious holidays
educated blue (To her the most important part of the day
is the early morning spent writing her very lengthy diary).
it continues here. where unavoidable edges rub departing
daily ironing cooking housework. zipped up. kneidlech eggplants
noodles endive ratatouille. zabaglione enjoyable in thought. never
continually hungry. hungry even if satisfied - sweet erotic
lying in english baths eating nusstorte. kinds of emotional -
never numb - especially now.
if canned here. sugared and hot. nexused in controlled homely trivia
(I dont believe she will ever be happy - she seems
so remote from the ordinary everyday things and feelings
going on around her - living completely in a world
of her own - thinking but not feeling). women in
effect. draining a sentence. vows of losing losing emphasis.
frosting each unnecessarily exhibited resentment. sifted into cranky
never openly continuously hungry. superego theoretically european -
- ego rejecting noninflection. slicing open life’s laboriously true
(I now try & hide my emotions & there is Anne
saying I should be aggressive & say exactly what I feel -
what I did for so many years and got me nowhere).
buttered returns - underweight expanded nothing - simmer the
ingredients gently -
epidermises removed. even now tears but rough eyes needed
neutrally exploring negatives.
designing open clustered heredities. facts reinteract in shockingly
death is epiduration. zones expressed in tincture. indigoed neurons.
ikated discourses. unliking now doctored. some conversational hope
unwriteable rainbows. so ikebanaed conflicts harmonize. entitled ‘in
(She therefore tells me little or nothing of her private life
and feelings which does put up extraordinary barriers). its honestly
zips umbrellas feminists and linguistic lightning, lyrically one escapes
sored throats (I know she has no other men friends
and still feel what she is doing is very wrong -
having been on the receiving end of such a triangle
I know all the hurt and damage that can be done). women
and severity. kingless or evenings now in gleaned solitude writing or
reading tight experiments, writing and reading emending now (In a
way I am amazed that Anne not only put herself
in such a position but does not see the irreparable
damage she is doing - I dont think she realises
that she herself is losing out too - even if
it is only the close relationship she and I have lost).
so that unbelonging memories possibly follows through, perhaps little
artful nows. unsentimentally navelled dreams. zeptometrically
interminably evolving love
(I think she feels she was put upon this earth
for a purpose and therefore has to prove herself
and leave something behind to show she was here -
I feel my presence here is merely part of
the continuing human race - that I have nothing to prove).
unburying nice depends. so that unbelonging memories possibly
dusting emotions rigorously, she cherished her offspring encouraging
evoked independent temperaments, she cordoned her eternity into
(Only one more day now for Anne’s visit but I think
it has been a success - I would like to
open up more and talk to her more frankly
about my future (or possibly lack of it) but
there does at times still seem to be some invisible barrier
between us). long english needles knitting thoughts. scientific thinking
residuals keep escaping norms. some intelligent niggle naggle. how
wear emotional glasses, zones ungracefully mannered, where a
neglected duty exists
like bringing a reluctant end nectarines.
now i enletters. lingering in english battles through. into childless
dressed in contagious hues. we imagined elaborations. jewished
zeugnissing this (:
An accent overwritten by a voice).
dragons and roses fight. in crosswording herstories. now indulgently
then (I feel more and more that I would like to
share things and experiences with someone - perhaps all I really want is a shoulder to cry on when necessary). daughtering apart.
in collating hassles, managing in carefully heartbreaking, voices of
Indigesting heavy roles (I had always hoped that once the children
were grown up I would have been able to travel
the whole world), discovering endless relativity. zuckerwerk -
twisting (I dont want to interfere with their lives
but I feel that a little more contact with them
might give my life a little more purpose). for uncertainty
embarrasses reasons certains hormonal triggers (I am frightened
being alone and long for someone to talk to
and confide in). so ought love curl here exposing
shouldhaves. so a guilty eye nightdives (Is it nerves
(what am I worried about - the possible Court case?)
something I have eaten?? or something more serious).
difficult arranging sad sounds. necrotic interludes conjure health
slips, breaking established settings that analysis never dissolves.
transpositions (I really dont know how to fill the time now -
I don’t feel like knitting or sewing). a-c-h
(I am now sure I am getting all the symptoms
that indicate the cancer has returned). in curdled howevers.
when exasperation interrupted silent sighs. eral silences, joined as.
iterated ceremonials help. kin reactions or epilated naked.
daughtered and selfed.
how explanations ulcerate terminal explanations.
zone which eats into forgotten lemon, after-nouns. world extending
those enamelled-rosepink nails, the almond-ghost-eyed nightnurse.
death is episemantic. life is everything but everything. inclusion
ends imprinted nominally. kindless in narrative dogmatism (Then there are those like my mother who are more resigned and give themselves over to medical technology rather like children running to their mothers for bandages for a cut knee). daughterless and
writing aunt epimerically configuring her spinstered terms.
inverting certain hiddens. languaged in exceeding speech+script.
epitropes. roles expressed in fragments. subjectivity expressed in
(Most difficult of all now is to watch M.'s struggle
in the grip of the impossible). gratitude and not zugzwang
(Mummy died at 10 to 10) (Steven now talks
of a war - between our parents - finally being over).
liking cloudy harmonies. dampening undertones ripple for temporized
dust invalidates emotional snow.
Extracts from my mother’s journal: 27 August 1984, 30 August 1984, 31 August 1984, 31 August 1984
Extracts from my mothers journal: 8 February 1985, 8 February 1985, 8 February 1985, 21 December 1985, 31 March 1986
"An accent.... Eavan Boland: ‘Emigrant Letters’; In Code. (manchester. Carcanet, 2001) p.36
Extracts from my mother’s journal: 18 May 1986, 2 June 1986. 3 July 1986, 15 September 1986, 2 October 1987, 25 June 1988, 9 October 1988
Extracts from my journal: 15 November 1988, 24 November 1988, 5 December 1988, 9 December 1988
"Notarikon.. .interpretation of the letters of a word as abbreviations of whole sentences.” OED citing Gershom Scholem in Major Trends in Jewish Mysticism.
Paul Celan’s translations of twenty-one sonnets by Shakespeare (together wIth English originals can he found in the single-volume William Shakespeare. Einundzwanzig Sonette. Deutsch von Paul Celan (lnsel-Bucherei Nr.898. Frankfurt am Main, Insel. 2001) and in Celan’s Gesammelte Werke, volume 5. pp. 316-357 (Frankfurt am Main. Suhrkamp. 2000).
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