Fading Father Figure
No need to act as though we’re a standard happy family; we were in every
other sense of those two words, and nothing suggested that that State
would ever change.
At tender age of nineteen, fell head over witch’s high heels in love
with a gallant and dashing; tall and handsome soldier, who treated me as
if I was a
true lady; settled down to have two kids - in fantastic times that could
never be bettered.
Ready-to-eat apple in both our eyes were our lovely daughters;
married to move into a house of our own, that his parents bought us.
It’s tasty turkey stuffing of young girls’ dreams, leaping to and fro
in this unstable and unpredictable era; you’re probably choking on your
own vomit
due to gushing sentimentality - that very few appreciate, or call for,
but when that’s the way things are, why tell it any different?
Everyone’s lives, I know, have changed since then; due to hate of fate,
that I’ll never succeed in properly comprehending.
Lived for loving wife who liked unmistakable fact he adored the army;
Fiery passion raged all the time, and he never took work-related stress out
on me
or our inspirational kids... Saw ourselves reassuringly growing older
beside one another; Putting flat feet up following years of hard work and
no rest - dreamt about cosy retirement in expensive extended
conservatory;
Decked out in photos of by-gone ages during which physical appearance
appeared
to have only subtly changed...neither of us saw relinquished wrinkles
hiding face.
Amateur dramatics devised key areas on which to focus; united in law as
single
unifiable representation, to prove to life there’s much more, than being
alone
without company.
What can one say when one’s unable to escape, from tantalising theme
referred to as insurmountable love; sung religiously with grating, gravelly
voices
by those who ironically know nothing about it, let alone what it feels
to be a paroud part of...they’re singing someone else’s praises.
There’s only one realistic way of saying “I love you”
and it revolves around utilised usage of those three very words.
Affecting story’s barely remembered at perishable end of day -
Why do such requiems seem obsessed by self-inflicted wisdom of opposite
sex?
Prime example skirts round belief physical attraction is perfectly
cut key, to lasting relationship; suddenly ending when it’s decided by one
of them they’ll leave -
patronising points are troublingly tragically missed....
Why does love frequently present itself in innocent on-friendly-terms kiss?
With one thousand and a hundred more jobs left to do speedily sprinted
out of
half-asleep trance of library to, in passing, catch sight of simple eye-
catching poster
in congested foyer, making me uncontrollably hold bated breath...
Patiently waiting to let illness filled air on its own accord leave.
Mysteries began to logically explain themselves, and complex matters
effortlessly
fell into pride of place - I know at last.
Looking pale and blushed as if I’d been hit black and blue in horrified face;
I knew, there and then, what was up with my Malcolm.
He was edgily developing dementia in my partly owned brain;
I didn’t know that he didn’t know what was going on or what was wrong -
no.
Blatantly blamed on occupational worries, or problems causing stress
as far as families go.
Trivial absent-mindedness was shrugged off, when his wide-eyed
wonder was tearing me up inside; I’d once tortured myself wondering
what my husband was like as a boy.... but now I knew and I didn’t enjoy
what I saw.
My helpless man trapped inside ageing body too mature for anyone’s
liking -
fun-loving children found themselves idolised close-to-home-friend;
Filling fridge up with ice-creams for immature prank -
putting away dirtied washing while still wet.
Helplessly watched him slipping away - Who are you?, What’s your name?
One day he asked, pointing at Lucy and Claire - Who are they?...
at which point I unashamedly cracked.
We all loved him so dearly, but I aren’t thankfully speaking in a past tense.
Put into perspective, it’s seen much more clearly....
And that’s why we packed up and left.
Adorable fading father figure, lost forever - placed into care
in just another stranger’s home;
I couldn’t bear him not realising who we were.
Try trying to explain Daddy’s unwell, in firmly unaffected tone.
Page(s) 25-26
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