The Buddhist
I am a Buddhist. For twenty five years I have lived in this cell, in this Monastery here in deepest China, recanting my prayers, meditating, fasting…it’s a far cry from my upbringing in the swinging streets of Shanghai, that’s for sure! In fact, so cut off am I from civilisation that, apart from the occasional correspondence from relatives-who have, in most cases, pretty much abandoned me anyway-I have little clue what the outside world is like at all. When I first came here, the Chinese Government were just beginning to have friendly relations with the USA, and things looked generally promising. I hope that’s still the case. But whatever the situation, I can certainly not be blamed, here in the mountains, away from it all…
Unfortunately, though, all is not well with me at present. Recently, I have begun doubting my vocation. I have tried fighting it, if you’ll pardon the expression, but it has become abundantly clear to me that this religion, this philosophical doctrine, is no longer for me. I can hardly believe it, but the life which once struck me as the most immaculate form of spiritual existence now appears devoid of meaning and utterly stupid. Things have changed. I have changed. It is the life of an Acrobat which I now desire.
Why? I do not know, but all my waking hours I dwell on it, and every night I dream of it, passionately, insatiably, helplessly…Acrobatics! Oh, my word, I was born to do it!
But how could I possibly acquire such a job? For a start, I have no experience. Assuming there were vacancies for the post, what would I write on the application forms? Previous Occupation? Buddhist Monk? And in terms of references, I would almost certainly be at a loss, since my contact with other Human Beings is extremely limited; even when I do see my fellow Monks it is usually only in passing, and the conversations are of the most basic and commonplace kind. Moreover, my age would surely act against me. How could a man of forty three, and no longer at the peak of physical fitness, possibly hope to pursue the life of a professional Acrobat? And let’s not forget, my total and complete seclusion in the mountains, my retreat from civilisation, has meant that I naturally lost any acquaintance with the practices and normalities of the Human world. I do not doubt that there have been innumerable technological advances since I left the city, and the language of everyday conversation has itself become a maze of words and phrases which, to one such as myself, would prove entirely alien. So much for my aspirations.
No, my destiny is sealed. There’s no way out. I’ve been doing this for twenty five years- twenty five years!
Maybe I made the wrong choice, maybe my chances have been completely wasted, perhaps the very act of describing myself as a Buddhist is now an act of falsehood, for how can I claim an identity of that sort while the faith and belief which must accompany the title have long since evaded my consciousness?
But sincerely or not, I must carry on-praying, meditating, fasting, generally being a Buddhist. And I suppose that this is the life I must live, for the next twenty five, or thirty five years, or fifty years, until I finally drop, having fulfilled my obligations to the end.
Page(s) 4-5
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